This was hard to write.
I once saw a TED talk about Alzheimer's disease
the easiest way to prevent it
is to always get a solid night's sleep
And that frightened me
Because I'm not just a night owl
but one with recurrent thoughts of my own mortality
Every night I change shape in night creatures
Look, I keep my mind busy.
Until he is tired enough to fall directly into sleep
and skip that dangerous space on my day
of which I do not speak.
that silent part after my laptop has closed
when my mind is not tired enough to sleep
but weak enough to be defenseless against
The darkness that does not remain outside
And now, I'm not only afraid to die
But also of my consciousness disappearing while I am still alive
I've seen what that is
I watched my Wella sit on my couch and speak in Spanish to people not there
I imagined these invisible listeners who were past relatives
coming to keep his company while his illness slowly evaporated his memory
That night, when she did not respond to Wella, I called her Carmen.
I moved her to the bed, lifted the duvet, and kissed her cheek.
Later, she smiled at my mom about a girl who was so kind to her
see she did not forget the love, she just forgot who loved her
And I wonder if after she passes she has to have both of them again
I have been living in your home for the past four years
When I stay so late that my body needs another meal
I go downstairs and grab a bowl of cereal
Sometimes I look down the dark corridor.
and I hope to see you standing there
She never is.
And I get that the presence of signs
would be no more proof than the absence of signs
but I would like it anyway
as a magic ball eight gives me the most likely & # 39; s
I'm just looking for hope in these bets.
I'm just looking for something to hold
while I was awake in a room with wood panels
that is too coffin for me to sink comfortably into
And although there are two windows
One faces a primary school
the other, the cemetery on the other side of the street
My afternoons are full of children screaming
and deafening silence
And I really do not know how to fall asleep on this.
But I know
That when I stay at my boyfriend's house
I'm eliminated before midnight
He will pull the quilt and kiss my cheek
And I will easily get into the dark without fear of what there is not
knowing that you can not exist in panic and love simultaneously
And maybe that's enough
For my Wella, for me
go to that good night
And every night
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Video credits to Erin Anastasia YouTube channel